


The Diary

by Claire07



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-20 00:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15522285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire07/pseuds/Claire07
Summary: Bernie finally tells Serena that she loves her.





	1. Chapter 1

Bernie receives therapy while in Kiev. One of the ways she learns to cope with her feelings is to write a diary.  
This is her entry on the day she returned from Kiev back to Holby.

*************************************************************************************************

I wish she loved me like I love her.

So I am sitting here in our office, our bubble of sanctuary, but it feels so enclosed for me at the moment. I look at her and see her eyes shine and I wonder who has managed to get those eyes to sparkle again. Is Robbie back on the scene? Or a new man, Oh I wish it was because of me.  
Her clothes she wears is like predatory, she is out to impress someone.   
She has always looked fantastic even in her scrubs that she hates so much, the leopard print cap that set her eyes off is unique. No one can pull it off like her, many have tried and failed looking like mutton dressed as lamb, but not her, not Serena.   
Her stride and walk is different too, like it has purpose. She is strong and it shows through her walk, her stance is enough to scare the whole of the board members but I see the softness that she hides behind.   
The love that she has for her….no our ward, only that can be done with love like loving a child or a mother.

She has lost so much, I wish I was here for when she needed a shoulder to lean on, to cry on. The strength that she must of had when looking after her mother while her brain withered away in front of her I will never know. I have seen men and women die in the battlefield and seen them suffer horrific injuries but when it is one of the most precious people you love it is harder to bare, and she bore it all and shows the scars for her troubles.

I want and need to be there to protect her, and to love her but will she let me. I know I scarpered off to Kiev and did not contact her, but it was too hard. To hear her voice even in her written words, I just could not read them for hearing her voice reading it out to me in my head.   
I know I did wrong but I need her to forgive me, so I can show her how I feel and be brave.

She calls me the Big Macho Army Medic but I am not, I am a coward where she is concerned.   
She is the strong one, to tell me that she has been in love before and she recognises the symptoms. I threw it back in her face by pushing her away.   
I so do regret it, all of it apart from kissing her twice.

I know my relationship with my children is estranged and fractured, she has helped me to mend those, but in return I have broken her too.   
Our relationship is far more broken than it ever was with my children. I never loved Marcus as much as love her and I have only kissed her twice.

I am scared to say out loud that I love Ms Serena Campbell but I do, I am in love with her and I need to be brave.  
Who am I kidding, being brave here at Holby is never going to happen. So I will keep my secret with me and hope that she someday will love me too.

*************************************************************************************************

Serena finds the book on her desk and see’s Bernies handwriting and places it back on her side of the room. She hasn’t spoke to her properly all day, she knows about Robbie and even though she says it is over Bernie doesn’t quite believe her. She seems to think that she really does love him otherwise why would she go back?   
It is only when she re-reads the first line again I wish she loves me like I love her. All in Bernies handwriting, she picked it back up again and sat in Bernie’s chair and read the whole thing.  
Serena was just reading the last line when Bernie came in, she tried to snatch the book out of her hands and Serena pulled it further out of her reach.  
“Tell me yourself Bernie” Serena said, her voice was firm but warm, her eyes were watery and trying to lock with Bernie’s who keeps her eyes flickering from Serena’s to the floor.

Jason locks them in, he tells them that they need to talk and they are being stupid.

Bernie turns her back to Serena, “I need it back please” she quietly asks.  
“No!” Was Serena’s single answer. Bernie turns back around with her face like thunder “Serena I need it back.”  
Serena shook her head, “not until you tell me, you know the words I want to hear Bernie, so just tell me.”  
Bernie stood directly in front of Serena with her hand held out waiting for the book to be placed back in her hand “just say those words Bernie, it will be alright I promise” Serena places the book back in Bernies hand and goes to walk past her.  
Bernie reaches out and grabs her wrist to stop her from moving “I love you Serena” she whispered in her ear, like a mouse squeaking frightened.

Serena pulled her lips to Bernie’s ear “I love you too Bernie”.

Bernie took a sharp intake of breath and places the book on the desk beside her and brought her lips to Serena’s and kissed her as if it was the last kiss she was ever going to get.   
With love and promise to be more open, to show her affection towards the woman that she loves and loves her in return.   
They don’t know how long they kiss for, but they have no intention of ever stopping kissing each other forever. 

See, love can conquer all, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> slightly deviated from the current storyline, you can see where.  
> I am in hope x

Bernie uses the diary every now and again when she cant seem to manage with her words, or is still trying to figure out her feelings.

It is about a year since Serena last saw her write in it and so much has happened since then. Elinor had died, Serena had a meltdown and left to go travelling to find herself again. Bernie caught up with her in France after the trauma unit was shut down, Serena returned and eventually so did Bernie after her stint in Nairobi.

They were very much still in a relationship, but Bernie had come back as she could no longer cope without her partner by her side anymore.   
They had spent so much time apart that she didn’t even know if they could survive being together 24 / 7.   
So Bernie didn’t tell Serena she was returning for good, she told her that she was coming back to sell her house after she accepted the offer and needed to be in the UK to hand over the keys and sign the sale documents. Trying not to put too much strain on them she would book a hotel room for her to stay in, Serena went nuts!   
“You are not bloody booking a hotel room when I have a perfectly good bed that we can sleep in!” She starts “not that I plan on much sleeping mind you………I haven’t seen you in 3 months and I want you by my side and in my bed.”   
In the end Bernie relented and agreed to stay at Serena’s.   
This is where her anxiety began.

So she wrote in the diary.

We know we love each other, and since I went to France we have lived together as a couple, but being back at home is different.   
Its like the shadows of the past are there, haunting at every turn.

The room where Elinor was found unconscious, the one where she was declared brain dead, ITU where she stayed until they retrieved her organs, the theatre where the young girl who had her donor heart, its beat stopped for the final time, her room…….her room hasn’t been altered since her death, I don’t even think Serena has been in there since.

Yet our room is the same.   
Our love has grown stronger even though we have been apart. Standing there opposite her in theatre again made me wish I was back here for good, maybe I could be if Serena agreed, but I don’t know how she would feel me being back here again, all the time.

Jason and Greta need her more than ever, maybe not so much hands on but as emotional support, she gets phone calls all through the day and night asking for her opinion on different matters, whether they take it or not we shall find out eventually.

I want us to start again in some respects, not to forget our past, but to move forward, maybe find somewhere new. So we can make new memories but not be constantly reminded of the past, maybe if I can get a job at another local hospital I wouldn’t mind but I would prefer to stand opposite my wife. Scratch that I mean girlfriend. 

Thats another thing, where do we go from here, does she want to get married again, to be tied down to me, or to anyone in fact.   
It’s not something that we have ever discussed and I don’t know why. Is it because of what Edward did to her, is it because Elinor isn’t here and she couldn’t get married without her being there. Is it because she can’t see a future together like that, growing old with me.

Oh Serena, I wish I could ask these things to you, but again I seem cowardly. Being brave where your concerned is none existent, you have been so brave and put yourself back together again after everything has happened. 

I hope that you know how much I love you, I am so completely and utterly in love with you.

*************************************************************************************************

Serena is getting changed after her long shift, when Bernie asks for something out of her suitcase. Serena retrieves said item and spots the diary, she can see a little pink stick it note hanging out the edge, signalling where Bernie was up to. Serena threw the item down the stairs and told Bernie she was going to have a shower before she got changed.

Serena was sat on the chair, with the diary in her hand. It had been a while since she looked at it, the memories of their kiss after she told her she loved her finally brought a smile to her face.   
Not wanting to intrude this time she placed it on the dresser and got in the shower.  
While in the shower, she wondered what was written in there, she tried not to think about it but it was like a beacon in the night sky guiding her back to it.

Bernie came upstairs to find Serena, she was taking so long in the shower, Bernie had found the diary sitting on there on the dresser.   
She sat on the bed and waited for her to come out, not knowing if she read it, again.

Serena dried herself off and headed into the bedroom to find Bernie sitting on the edge of the bed sullen. The diary was in her hands now and stroking it, without looking up at her girlfriend she asked frightened,   
“have you read it? It was on the dresser, but did you read it?”   
Serena sat next to her and placed her hands over hers to still them,  
“No I haven’t read it, and I would never do that again unless you wanted me to.”   
Bernie finally looked up and gazed at her “I think I want you to read it, if you want to that is?”Serena shook her head “I will not read it unless you do want me to and you need to be sure, or you could just tell me, it worked alright last time did it not?” Serena smiled and Bernie nodded.

Bernie opened the page and gave her the diary “this time I do need you to read it, then we can talk, not everything is in here…….I haven’t been completely truthful with you, I was unsure and wanted to talk to you face to face.” With that she left the room and padded back downstairs.

Serena carefully read the words on the page, not once, not twice, but three times.   
She took in the fact that Bernie had seen a future, Bernie has even thought about marriage - it wasn’t something she’d actually thought about.   
The haunts of the house that it holds over them both, and possibly working together again. Serena however had thought about that, on many occasions.

Serena lay on the bed with the diary under her pillow and drifted off to sleep. Her dreams were filled with Elinor. Elinor was apologising for her behaviour and told her that she just needed her mum to be happy.   
That she would like her to be happy with Bernie as she has proved herself to be worthy of her mother love.   
That if she did get married she would be standing with her by her side, but will haunt Bernie if she ever treated her like her dad treated her. 

Serena was smiling in her sleep, Bernie came in and heard her talking to Elinor as if she was still here, lying on the bed. 

Elinor was telling her to clear out her room, and move on, she needed her mum to move forward with her life and be happy, be happy with Bernie. 

Tears flowed down her cheeks as she said this, she had visions of her clearing out her room filled with memories.   
She could feel someone stroking the tears away, telling her that she loves her and she will leave her be.

As soon as the bedroom door shut she shouted for Bernie and sat straight up, scrambling to get off the bed. Bernie came back in before she could do so and wrapped her arms tightly around her.

“I’m ready” Serena whispered into Bernies neck, I’m ready to move on but only if you are by my side.   
Bernie replied “forever”.

*************************************************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you want another chapter........


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart has now gone soggy!
> 
> A frazzled Bernie finally does the deed.

Jesus Bernie was stressed. You would think that the amount of times she has had to travel in her lifetime, she would be used to it.   
But no!  
Serena was driving her crazy, it is their first proper holiday together. They are heading to Rhodes, a quaint villa just outside of Falaraki, it is in a quiet secluded area, their own swimming pool, no other tourists or natives for about a 10 minute drive away.   
They already hired a car and it would be waiting for them at the airport; they had managed to get a great package holiday deal. A boat trip to Lindos, the hire car, a cleaning lady that would come every 3rd day, apart from that they would be left alone.

But this was not the reason why she was stressed. She was stressed because she decided to ask Serena to marry her, on the holiday. They had discussed it after last Serena read the last entry in the diary, and neither of them were against it. This time they were truly in love with the person they were going to marry, they were best friends first, soul mates even.   
Serena had frequently made suggestions about what she would want, Bernie stayed relatively quiet about the subject, not because she didn’t care, it was because she wanted to have a ceremony that involved them saying their vows and becoming each others wives.   
Serena could have it any other way she wanted to.

Bernie had researched some local jewellers in the island and found one that was not that far from where they were staying, Nikki’s Gold. It was a family run business that made certain pieces to suit the customer. Bernie had emailed Nikki and described what she was after and the ring size, Nikki in return sent her pictures of the rings…..yes the rings……Bernie had also took the liberty of buying their wedding rings. Serena’s ring was to be made to fit around her engagement ring.

So the time came and they were flying to Rhodes, to a trip that hopefully they would remember for the right reasons.

The diary entry.

*************************************************************************************************

Ok so how do I declare my love to the woman I want to marry?  
Do I do it on the beach? When we are alone in the apartment after I cook her a romantic meal? At a restaurant, not that we plan on doing that too much……..so no, that one is out.  
Do I take her to the jewellers and just show her the rings…….nope she might say no after all………. Oh come on Bernie.  
Do I do a speech, to show I am brave enough to finally tell her how I feel, yes I shall do that……..and not be a rambling mess when I ask her. I will be brave.

So here goes - it took several attempts but she finally did it.

*************************************************************************************************

My Dear Serena,

I know my conversational skills are still much to be desired, but you are my one and only desire.   
When I am with you no words can describe how I feel, still to this day, in fact I don’t think I will ever find the words good enough, to tell you how you make me feel.

My life with you in it has changed for the better, my love for you grows every single day, and my heart still skips a beat every time you say my name.

We both have imperfections that we can work on together, and together we are stronger.   
So strong in fact, that if I think of my life without you, I only see darkness.

Destiny has brought us together, to go through things like we have done and still be here together, shows me that we can go through anything as long as we stand shoulder to shoulder and face it together, head on.

I want you to take my hand, my hand in marriage and become my wife.   
To have and to hold from this day forth, to love and to cherish forevermore.  
It would do me the great honour of becoming your wife and forever soul mate. 

To live our lives together until we grow old and wrinkly…..and set the old peoples home into our own winery of shiraz.

Love is something that I have grown to know, and now I know what it feels to love I can finally show it.  
It is like an onion that peels away the layers away until you find the heart. You have peeled away the layers and finally found my heart Serena, and my heart belongs to you.

So for the final time Serena Wendy Campbell, will you marry me?

*************************************************************************************************

Bernie did get to ask, and she wasn’t a rambling mess. She managed to say it all without one stutter.  
Bernie proposed on the last night they had. 

They were laying in the grass on a blanket under the stars, watching a shooting star go passed and Serena saying hello to Elinor, like she was giving her blessing.

Bernie didn’t get down on one knee, she quietly gave her speech and pulled the ring out of her pocket.   
Serena did say yes eventually after sobbing with happiness in Bernie’s neck. 

The ring sparkled under the moon light, it was a simple platinum etched greek band which had diamonds set in it going the full circumference with a carrat diamond peeking out if the top.

They fell asleep that night under the stars after making love until the early hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this wasn't too fluffy and soppy for you.


	4. Vows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing wedding vows isn't something that Bernie stressed over.  
> She just wanted to get it right.

Bernie didn’t need the diary so had placed it carefully in her bedside table for the nights where she would have nightmare and get restless, she would reread over her proposal to Serena, to ground her.   
These were mainly when Serena worked nights and was no longer by her side in bed. If Serena was there she would just wrap herself around her fiancé, yes fiancé, not that she believed it, they were finally getting married and they had set a date the 23rd November 2019.

If it doesn’t ring a bell, its when Bernie finally came back to Serena and rekindled their love after 3 months of radio silence and Serena declaring her love in the middle of the ward as she left.  
But none of that mattered now.   
What did matter were her wedding vows to Serena.   
They had decided on writing their own vows and Bernie needed to make a start.

So this is how it went.

*************************************************************************************************

My beautiful Serena,

I have loved you from the moment that we met,  
A simple handshake, a greeting and yet.  
Over shiraz and coffee we shared knowing looks,  
Our love grew, not like those written in love books.  
Yet here we stand with our friends and family,  
And don’t forget the army friends, and my cavalry.

We took our time and found our love,  
It even took Jason to give us a good shove.  
Finally in the right direction we went,  
Disaster did strike and the death of Ellie, we could not prevent.  
But she stands in spirit here with us today,  
And I don’t think for one minute it is in dismay.

 

Our love has soared higher and this will show,  
As our unit and family does continue to grow.  
To higher grounds I could not scarcely believe,  
Yet my heart yearns for you, to receive.  
This ring that I give as a symbol of by body and soul,  
Our lives entwined, forever is our goal.

I know the love that we have will only soar,  
My only promise is to be faithful to you and pure.  
To have and to hold from this day on,  
As my wife and soulmate we will become one.  
To love and to cherish for all the days of our lives,  
Is the only way that we will ever survive.

My love for you still grows everyday,  
I only hope that I can convey.  
My love and life to you is all that I can give,  
I only hope that we shall long may live.  
A happy and healthy life for us to see,  
Until death do us part, thats how we will be.

*************************************************************************************************

Their vows and rings are finally exchanged on a rather cold and snowy Saturday afternoon surrounded by their friends, family and a full armed guard.   
It takes place in the peace garden, between Arthurs plaque and where she buried her mother, the celebrant is the hospitals vicar.

Neither of them wanted to do it anywhere else, to marry on the grounds where they fell in love and met was much more significant than any registry office could provide. 

The after party was of course at Albie’s where the knowing looks and longing glances took place.   
Where Serena told Ric it was not a man, it was Bernie; their cake was placed on that table.

It was what they wanted, something small and significant, Serena in her gold knee length dress and Bernie in her Dress Blues from the RAMC; she was never going to wear a dress after all, this way she had the guard of honour too.

Love shone all around and oozed everywhere, the couple left happily back to Serena’s as their honeymoon was a week away, a cruise around the Bahama’s where Serena could enjoy the view of her wife with far less clothes than her running gear - and Serena showing off her curvy figure in a tight leopard print costume that dipped deeply to show off her cleavage.

In fact the only proper clothes they wore were to go to the restaurant to eat!Three weeks of finally being alone, with no one to interrupt them, or a phone to ring to send them back to the hospital as a major trauma came in.

Major and Mrs Wolfe has a blissfully happy honeymoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh well, the soppiness continued.  
> Hope you liked this, a little different from before.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trying day, Bernie tries to help her wife.

Their first argument as a married couple quickly escalated, it also was very public. Serena wanted to treat a patient one way and Bernie wanted to do it another way. Both in fact had their right reasons for doing it their way, but it took Hansen to step in and take them both off the case.  
Serena stomped off to the office whilst Bernie headed straight to the roof. They both needed to calm down, but the more time they spent apart not talking the angrier they both got. Most of the staff in AAU were putting on their metaphorical hard hats and ducking whenever each of them spoke.

Bernie for some reason had the diary in her pocket. She must have had an inclination or some sort of knowledge that today was going to be a bad day for her. It wasn’t until she noticed the date she realised subconsciously why. It is the 3rd January, Elinor’s anniversary of her death. That is why Serena went into work early and had hardly spoke her. Bernie knew that Serena didn’t blame her for Elinor’s death, she mostly blamed herself on how she handled the situation.

So Bernie took the time to write to Serena.

*************************************************************************************************

To My Dearest Wife,

First of all I am sorry, not just for the argument that we had, but for not realising sooner the date.   
Elinor’s death is something that we got through together, and will continue to live through on each anniversary and on each birthday that passes.  
Tonight I am going to take care of you, I wont go into great detail on here about how I will do that, but please just trust me.

Again I am so very sorry for what I said, and I love you with all of my heart.

Bernie x

************************************************************************************************* 

She left the letter on Serena’s dest so she could read it when she returned from the surgery she was performing. When she did return she noticed the scruffy handwriting of her wife and the paper was from her diary.  
Serena closed the door and the blinds on her side and read the words placed on the paper from her wife.  
Tears ran down Serena’s face, she didn’t need to tell Bernie what today was after all, she did remember. The one thing that was for sure, she would not pull away from Bernie this time, she would allow her wife to look after her, she needs it on today of all days.

Bernie organised flowers to be delivered to Dom on Kellar, so Serena couldn’t see; She made a reservation at Elinor’s favourite restaurant and pre-ordered Serena’s favourite wine - shiraz of course.  
On her lunch break she headed into town to collect a picture that she ordered and paid for. It was a A3 size photo of Serena and Elinor taken the Christmas before she died, considering she was in a foul mood that day, she did manage to smile while embracing her mother. It was one of the few that Bernie managed to take of them both.   
As she is a rubbish wrapper, she convinced the woman in the shop to box it and wrap it for her. 

Tonight needed to be perfect, to show Serena that she can be the person to stay and not run when things got difficult or when she was hurting. Together now married, she wanted to stay true to her vows.

That night was perfect in an unperfect way. They laid the flowers of Elinor’s grave, which unbeknown to Bernie just happened to be a mixture of Elinor’s and Serena’s flowers. Noted for next time.  
The meal was lovely, Serena ordered what Elinor would always have and Bernie did the same. Tonight was about a grieving mother, something that she could never imagine going through herself.

When they went back home Bernie sent Serena to the spare bedroom, it was Elinor’s room but has since been cleared out - well the majority of it, just a few keepsakes left in boxes. Serena found the box on the bed with her name on. She carefully unwrapped it and opened the box, Bernie held her tight as she took the tissue paper from around the frame to reveal the picture.  
Serena sobbed into the arms of her wife, knowing that she did know how to care for her in times like this - her worst days. Bernie managed to make her forget the argument that drove them to here, but gave her the unconditional love to allow her to morn the death of her daughter without being judged.  
That is what she needed today of all days.  
Tomorrow will be different, the day would have passed and it would hurt a little less, only a little.

That night they fell asleep in the spare room, in each others arms. No words necessary apart from a ‘thank you’ from Serena and ‘you’re very welcome’ from her wife.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disaster strikes and Bernie needs to process it, she does so by writing it down

Bernie had a really difficult case at work, Serena wasn’t on shift, so she was left to deal with it on her own.  
There had been a bad accident on the motorway when 2 cars and a lorry had collided, killing all of the occupants in one car and severely injuring the sole occupant in the other, while the lorry driver was sent to St. James’.

The two cars all happened to be from the same family, the mother, 3 children aged from 3 months to 6 years old were all killed instantly, while the father in the other car, barely made it. 

It was left to Bernie to tell him that he lost his whole family after he came around from the anaesthetic as there were no police to break the new to him. They had been out for a day trip and disaster struck when the driver of the lorry swerved and took them out as he jackknifed, landing on the car with the family in and the father smashing into the lorry.

Bernie sat in the office and wished for just once, that she brought her diary with her.   
She now leaves it at home, hardly ever used.

She sat in her office, closed the door, got a piece of blank paper and wrote.

*************************************************************************************************

My worse nightmare came true today, a whole family wiped out. When I was in the army I knew that could be me one day that could be killed and it very nearly was.   
My fear and nightmares though was never for me, it was me losing my family from something like this, while I was away.

I know I never really truly loved Marcus, but that didn’t mean that I would ever wish him dead.   
He was a great father to my children and brought them up when I wasn’t around to do so.

My nightmares when on tour were never about me being hurt, captured or killed, it was about this happening to my family.   
That is what scared me the most, hearing the bombings that have exploded in crowded spaces and extremists taking people out with cars and vans is what scares me. 

That is why I had to keep going back out there, to protect them in the long run.

But the one thing I learned is that people destroy themselves too, like Ellie in one way, destroying their bodies by taking drugs and or drinking and then getting behind the wheel of a car and driving. 

Ellie could have wiped out her new family, but instead she killed herself which very nearly destroyed the love of my life.  
Yes I managed to save Jason - thank god!   
But I couldn’t save Ellie, the one person who Serena loved more than anyone including myself and thats how it should be.

I have learned to appreciate today, the time that we live in for the moment because at anytime it can be all snatched away from us. From me.  
I vow to show my family how much they mean to me, love them, my words are getting better but I need to improve on my actions too!

Serena deserves this more than anyone and so do my children after what I have put them through. 

I don’t wasn’t Guinevere seeing that side of me, so I will start now.

*************************************************************************************************

With that she phoned Cameron and Morven and told them she loved them and to keep safe, they arranged future video chats so she can really see that they are fine and made them promise to keep safe.

She rang Charlotte and actually managed to have a great conversation with her, apologised once again about the past and vowed to do better, inviting her for Sunday lunch, she was thrilled and surprised when she accepted.

The last on her list but always first in her thoughts, was her wife, her soul mate and best friend. 

She went to the florist and brought the biggest bouquet of flowers they had, nipped to the supermarket for a case - who ever should have just one - bottles of shiraz, Jess Glyn’s new album as Serena loves her music, lots of scented bath bombs, massaging oils and you get the gist.

Serena was sitting at home with her book, tea in the slow cooker when Bernie walked in and collapsed in her arms.   
Not out of sorrow, out of fear of everything she could have lost.

She spent the night showing how much she loved Serena, promised to protect her as much as she could and would love her forever.  
Serena did the same in return. 

After all they always had each others backs.


	7. Chapter 7. About Charlotte.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte's illness sends Bernie in a spin

Tiredness has settled in. Serena has had many sleepless nights with Bernie. Her night terrors have come back. She has received some bad news, nearly a few weeks ago.   
Charlotte has breast cancer. She has had a biopsy, scans and tests. It all looks positive, she needs Chemotherapy followed by Radiotherapy. Charlotte will lose those golden curly locks of hers, she is so frightened of not being ‘normal’ again after the mastectomy.

Bernie feels as though she is letting her daughter down again, leaving her on her own to deal with it, but she hasn’t. Bernie has been there every step of the way. All of the appointments, making sure she is eating. Even if it is a little at a time.   
What Bernie cant deal with is the fact that she cannot do anything about it, she can’t take it away from her daughter and go through it all herself.  
A mothers worse nightmare. 

After all thats what mothers are supposed to do, especially if they are a world class surgeon. The poor oncologist is already stressing the fact she is looking after Major Bernice Wolfe’s daughter and Mrs Serena Wolfe’s step daughter.

Serena hands Bernie her diary. “Write in here my love, I shall leave you to it.” So she does.

*************************************************************************************************

I know that it isn’t me that is suffering but at the same time, it is.   
My beautiful daughter is facing a hard battle, far worse than I have ever had to face, even when we were at war.   
More than I could ever imagine.  
The battle, this battle, will be won.   
Am I strong enough to steer her through her darkest days? I hope so.

Serena has already lost a daughter, now faces losing her step daughter too! I am sure it wont come to that, but nevertheless the possibility is still there.

We had plans, plans to all go away together. I even persuaded Serena to go camping with us……..yes, I have remembered to order 2 crates of shiraz, but it will be worth it and at least it wont need to be put in the fridge.

FOR GOD SAKE! This is not what I should be writing about. Or maybe it should.

To focus on the positives and the future. To not understand what she is going through, I can never understand this, but to be there to put the broken pieces back together again.   
Not to treat her like a person who has cancer, but as our daughter.

I am so angry with Marcus, the piece of shit hasn’t been there through any of it, not even 1 appointment.   
For once long ago he was the father of the year and I was a useless mother, I am hoping that I am no longer.

So to plan for the future.

Camping with the family.   
Start chemotherapy and finish all of the sessions.   
Let Charlotte take charge of her hair situation.   
Help her pick a radical wig and maybe join her.   
Get her through the radiotherapy.   
Be there for her after mastectomy operation.   
Pick some funky gel fake boobs for her to wear.

But most of all, be there for when she falls, I am aware that she will fall.   
I have Serena to catch me, when times get hard, she will even catch Charlotte with me I am sure.   
Serena the strong woman that she is, has been sitting on her other side since her diagnosis.

It will be good to have her home, even if the circumstances are shit!  
To remind her every day that I love her and will never see her any different than perfect.

So that is what I shall do.

*************************************************************************************************

Camping was great, even Serena enjoyed herself. Although I think Cam will soon regret hiding her bottles of shiraz when he finds out that he is back on AAU, as the locum registrar, with his Step mother and me.   
Serena is going to go hard on him. Just like she is with any Doctor.  
I don’t blame her neither even before he hid the case of shiraz.

I suppose the drunken singing at the top of her voice while dancing with his mum around the camp fire helped. But what was I to do when wife asks me to dance?   
After Charlotte went to all that trouble of playing her guitar.  
What a great night that was.   
I forgot how good Charlotte can play, Morven was great too. She has an excellent singing voice, that I never knew.   
They had fun burning their old bra’s in solidarity. Morven even threatened to cut off her hair too when the time comes. She has been great, kept Cam on a steady platform of over not being able to protect his baby sister.

Chemo has just started and she has had it rough with the sickness.   
Only watermelon helping as everything apparently tastes of metal.   
Luckily her hair hasn’t yet fallen out, but it will come.

Marcus is still a twat, he tried to tell her she couldn’t come camping, but she used Serena’s favourite saying to the likes of Guy Self….FOH.  
Serena was in stitches, I missed it!   
God I wish I was there to witness it.   
Him trying to tell Charlotte what to do after his disappearing act. 

At least I have been there at the time she needed me the most. To hold her hair back when she is sick, to wipe her tears when she feels so crappy.

 

**********The Diary is updated, after she finishes her Chemotherapy.**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit close to home for me, and I think it maybe for some of you lovely readers. I hope that I do this justice. 
> 
> Anyone who has anyone going through this, I tip my hat off to you.  
> I wish you or your loved one to be soon cancer free.


	8. Charlotte's collapsed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had a hard morning, but it gets worse.

“I could scream.” Bernie is pacing up and down the Oncology ward. Charlotte has been admitted as she has an infection. It is part of the course and they knew that it would happen, but it was Serena that had found her collapsed on the floor at their home, as they were swapping over from their shifts. They were on separate shifts so at least one of them would always be with Charlotte as she grew weaker and tireder, losing more weight but ballooning because of the steroids.

To make matter worse earlier in the day, Charlotte today had been losing clumps of hair. For a few days she had been loosing strands here and there, but it was handfuls today.   
Today was the day she decided to shave her hair off.

Bernie and Charlotte alone in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and a electric razor. It was as if Charlotte was on auto pilot, she didn’t cry or anything really while Bernie started to cut her hair.   
Bernie however was in tears, quietly sobbing as she cut her daughters hair off her head. What was beautiful curly mousey blonde locks, were now thin wirey strands, it looked like she had put her fingers in a plug socket.  
It took a matter of about 15 minutes before the majority had come off, Bernie took the adapter off the shaver to take it as low as it can.   
Now bald Charlotte broke down.

Bernie after a while left Charlotte come to terms with what she had done. Bernie went straight for her diary. The first entry of the day.

*************************************************************************************************

Well today was they day that we all knew was going to come. I had to shave her hair. She coped so well, until it was all done. Then god, she shattered into pieces. There is nothing I can do to help and it is killing me inside. It is also hurting Serena too, another thing I can’t do anything about. I need to tell her about this morning, how on earth do I do that?  
Charlotte looks pale today, I am putting it down to her hair loss as she is not complaining about anything else. I hope she is checking her body temperature like they told her too, I must check after this.

I so needed Serena here today, I know she wants to be here but she like me has to carry on working. We have shifted the rota’s so one of us is here all the time, we have no time for ourselves but that for the minute doesn’t matter and she understands thats how it is to be.   
I need to keep reminding myself of that, that it is Charlotte that it is affecting more than it will ever affect me.

Serena too is the strongest person I know, she is looking after Charlotte as if she is her own flesh and blood. Charlotte called her mum yesterday as she was falling asleep, we thought it was a slip of the tongue but she has said it all day today. I thought that her calling Serena mum would hurt, but it is the opposite, it makes me proud of Serena. Proud that she is putting her own fears and feelings aside to care for my, no our daughter.   
That man that is her father still has not been in touch. Makes me sick.

Well I had better get ready to go to work, so I'm off to sort Charlotte off before I go. The shifts are overlapping today, but not for long I am sure she will be fine and just sleep.

*************************************************************************************************

Bernie did just that, she tucked Charlotte in bed and left to go to work. The overlap was nearly an hour in the end as AAU was busy, so the handover took a little longer and then Bernie had to tell Serena what had gone on earlier with Charlotte. Tears were shed by them both, giving Serena time to put her stoic face on before returning home.

What exactly happened they don’t know, maybe they will never know.   
When Serena returned home, she found Charlotte unconscious on the kitchen floor with glass shattered all around her.   
Serena carefully moved the glass so she can check Charlottes breathing, she was thank goodness, her pulse was fast and weak. Serena placed her in the recovery position and dialled for an ambulance.

It was Iain and Sam so they knew Serena well enough not to argue, when she tells them to take her straight to oncology.   
That she has already spoken to them and they are aware she is coming in.

The next phone call was to Bernie on the ward, luckily she could speak and didn’t have to rely on anyone to give her the message. Bernie sprinted downstairs and waited for them to arrive.   
Once on the ward, Bernie and Serena got kicked out of the room while the doctors and nurses treated Charlotte. Bernie was like a caged animal, she was furious with herself, she should have picked up on it earlier, she knew she was pale but put it down to the stress of the day.

Serena took her diary out of the bag and shut her in the family room, alone, a time to process and write.

*************************************************************************************************

Jesus, fucking christ! God how did I miss it?  
She is so pale now, far worse than an hour ago.   
I should have checked.  
I should have made sure, I am a fucking doctor. I know the importance of these things.

I am so glad but I am so angry with myself, that Serena had found her. It could have been so much worse. Here she is looking after me and our daughter, before her own needs and feelings.  
I am so worried for Serena, she will break I know it. I hope I am there when she does, just like she is always here for me and Charlotte.

I am so scared, scared for losing my daughter an infection could kill her, she has no immune system. That was killed off by the chemo. I cant lose her, I pray to God that I don’t lose her.

My beautiful strong daughter has been reduced to a bag of bloated bones, exhausted from her fight. Mentally and physically drained, I really don’t know how she is doing it.  
She is a strong woman that I admire immensely. I wish that I had her strength, her strength to put one foot in front of the other and deal with whatever comes her way an hour at a time.

Time to make some adjustments I think, for Serena and for Charlotte.   
I need to be there more for them both, not just physically but mentally too!

*************************************************************************************************

Bernies writing is interrupted by Serena telling her she can now sit with Charlotte, while they are waiting test results although a high dose of antibiotics have been given as it is most probably and infection.

Indeed it was.   
Charlotte spent the week on the ward, most of it unconscious.   
Fighting the infection.   
Serena and Bernie took extra time with their daughter, to sit, watch and monitor her progress.  
Planning for the next treatment to start, radiotherapy.  
They know that they will have more bad days, just hoping that they never find her collapsed on the floor again.


End file.
